what kind of a jerk doesn’t like birthdays?
…this kind of jerk. I am totally pointing at myself. Well, no, I’m not pointing at myself, I’m typing this up, but… yeah.
I don’t mean to break my silence on this blog with a mindless rant, but as my birthday approaches, this keeps bugging me…
Am I biased? Well, yeah. I’m nearly twenty fucking years old. It’s not that different from nineteen, but dropping the “teen” is… a mind-bogglingly weird thought. But forget about the fact that I feel old enough to be a grandmother, and that none of of my childhood dreams came true. Ever since I was in middle school, I thought celebrating birthdays was absurd. I liked going to others’ parties because I didn’t want to be a total outcast, but I always thought having my own birthday party would be such a chore. My birthday’s in the summer, not the school year, so it was easy for me to keep it on the down low.
These days, my opinion on birthdays has gotten even more extreme (yeah, I occupy my mind with the dumbest things to distract myself from school)… when other people are celebrating their birthdays and are genuinely happy about it, I’m happy for them. As in I’m happy that they have an excuse to be happy. Enthusiasm is contagious. But if someone wishes me a happy birthday, I feel like thwacking them upside the head. If they mention that I’m getting older, or ask something like “hey, how does it feel to be x age”, I genuinely feel offended. I wish people would just ignore my birthday. It’s not an accomplishment. I just happened to not die for another year (lolol @ the poor suckers who were recently murdered/run over by trucks/diagnosed with a terminal illness). There’s nothing worth celebrating… each passing birthday just reminds me that I’m a year closer to dying from old age. I understand celebrating accomplishments, but… birthdays? Sheer idiocy.
I feel this way about most holidays too. Don’t get me started on how stupid Christmas is (life as a radical atheist is way less fun than that of an apatheist), but I play along and celebrate it and exchange gifts anyways. I still think Christmas itself is fucking ridiculous, but again, I won’t fault people for trying to find an excuse to be happy. Hah, maybe I should take up alcohol/drugs to delude myself into loosening up. My little sister has already tried a laundry list of drugs, and while she’s not exactly the happiest person in the world, she’s a hell of a lot more satisfied with her life than I am with mine.
Only a total nutjob would feel this strongly about goddamn birthdays, eh. I don’t know if it’s self-esteem issues, or cynicism, or if I’m just a party pooper. If human beings won’t prioritize actual accomplishments over pointless celebrations, at least leave me out of it.